a continuation...

Okay, so I didn’t actually go on a date with Pete. It was technically a friendly/work-related appointment, for all of you jealous ladies out there. More birthday updates: I got some daffodils and an amazing chicken curry dinner from Andy and Marni, some phone calls from family, and some other totally rad gifts. Unfortunately, Tim blew my Stack Attack score out of the water with a whopping 3884 or something ridiculous like that. I think I might have to just give up and stop playing the stupid game altogether. So, thanks for the memories, everyone [sniff], it's going to be a great year.

Happy Birthday to me!

It is really beautiful outside today, and my birthday is getting off to a great start. Here are the highlights:
-To start with, I went on a date with Pete this morning and because it was my birthday he paid for most of my hot chocolate (I threw in 110 lipa) and also invited me to come be homeless with him if I’m not married in a few years. It was a serious offer, I think, and I’m seriously considering it.
-This afternoon I played some Stack Attack (an incredibly dull, primitive cell phone game I’ve become addicted to) and set a new high score of 1880! I think I may have the highest score on the team right now.
-Also, last night when I was at the Serys for dinner, Tim said I was well adjusted for a homeschooler, and I have to admit that felt pretty great. We also got to watch The Royal Tenenbaums, and it was fantastic! It really is one of my favorite movies, and I was reminded of all the reasons why.
-The most exciting aspect of my birthday so far, though, has to be the fact that we got an internet connection set up at our apartment today!!!!! That’s right, people, I am at home right now, writing this, and I won’t have to wait a few days to post it. I can also email friends from the comfort of my own couch, and now we can hang out with Pete and John without being accused of having ulterior motives. What an amazing day.

The truth.

I feel like such a baby- immature and weak. I wish that I were stronger. I wish that I were braver. I wish that I didn’t just want to go home, see my mom, eat cookies, and watch TV. But maybe this is part of learning perseverance and endurance. Maybe not giving in to all those wants, even though they I can’t make them go away, is part of being brave. Maybe learning to let go of my raging selfishness and insecurity is part of persevering. And maybe getting up in the morning and taking a shower and doing dishes and meeting with students is part of learning how to endure. Discovering how un-tough I really am and how quickly I want to give up is humbling, and a little disappointing.

Man, that all sounds so depressing. I'm sorry. Next time I post I will shoot for less drama and more wit- no promises, though.

Home

The other night I was talking on the phone with my sister, then my brother. I miss them so much! They always make me laugh, a lot and very loudly. Next week my sister and I both have birthdays, and I think I would sell a kidney or part of my liver to have her come visit. I spent some time thinking about how in the world we could find money for a plane ticket but then I remembered that she doesn’t have a passport and resigned myself again to waiting until July. When Kerri, Tobin, and I finally reunite I can almost guarantee that there will be a spontaneous eruption of joy- maybe some northern lights above and a marching band playing with streamers and confetti falling from the sky. At least it will feel that way, and they will bring some pad thai to the airport for me, because I’ve been craving it for months. We might go to my Grandma’s house for some swimming, and we will definitely stay up all night, driving around Western Washington with the windows rolled down, talking and laughing hysterically.

Do What You Want, Come to the Rijeka Carnival!

The Rijeka Carnival is the third largest in the world, after Rio and Venice. It was very surreal to see our city turned upside down for a few days, especially on Sunday. Thousands and thousands of people crowded the streets, many of them adults in full costume, obviously drunk, but happy. Dozens of elaborate floats participated in the parade. People were dressed up as Native Americans, babies, pigeons, ears of corn, cowboys, hot dogs, and many other random items and characters.







































At one point I was walking down the street and looked over and saw this:



Later on Tim, Sara, Taylor, and I dressed up too and headed out for some dinner and dancing.

Smackdown, or God’s 2x4

Lately I have had a pretty terrible attitude about life, and usually that means that I need a little help from what my friend Ashley and I like to call God’s 2x4. A couple of weeks ago I decided to return to Croatia for another year. There were a lot of things that went into the decision, like prayer, thought, advice, conversations, etc. and I think it is a good thing. But as soon as I decided I got really depressed. Probably because making any definite choice involves saying ‘no’ to some things, and I was thinking about everything that I dearly love that I have to say ‘no’ to in order to come back here.

Then we got to Sarajevo and saw what life was like there, and I watched that movie about the war and thought about what it would be like to live through that. And I thought about how many ugly things there are in this world and how much I want to help fix it, but I can’t, really. And I wondered if I could ever handle living and serving people in a place like Sarajevo during the war, or Iraq, or Rwanda, or Sudan where there is so much need and so little hope. Why is it that half the time I want to do something crazy and heroic and the rest of the time I just want to be completely selfish and read and play and hang out on the beach or in the park surrounded by only my favorite people?

Days, even weeks, have passed with my heart turned partly away from God, afraid of surrender and afraid of rebuke and afraid of sacrifice, just waiting in fear for the expected smackdown. But it never came. Instead, God reminded me that He loves me and that I am foolish and have no idea what I want. He reminded me that He is good and I am bent. That He is always faithful, even when I am too blind to see it. He reminded me that this world isn’t mine to fix, it’s His. And by following Him in all the tiny assignments, I get to participate in what He’s doing. And He will never ask too much or too little of me. He will always only ask me to do what is exactly right. And whatever sacrifice that may involve is always, always worth it.

So even though right now all I want to do is watch lots and lots of movies and ignore the fact that we might get deported* in a couple of weeks, I think I’m in a slightly better place than I was a few days ago.

*Actually, at this point things are looking very hopeful re: our visa situation- nothing is confirmed, but we will probably get to stay. I will let you know when we hear for sure, though.

A story. And an unrelated picture.

The other night we were hanging out with some friends visiting from Belgrade, and Pete made up a new game. He told different people around the room to come up with an object, an action, a location, and a couple other things and then made me write a story about it while everyone else discussed every use they could think of (and I do mean *every* use) for a turkey baster. The things I had to incorporate were: a heater, to throw, Puff the Magic Dragon, the American flag on the moon, and Neverland. You should play this with your friends some time.
Here is the result:

Bill Rutherford sat on the heater smoking a cigar. They were waiting out in the hallway, dozens of them. Some young and hopeful, others distracted and disillusioned. Their futures were in his hands, kind of. He could only take nine, of course. Five for weekdays, four for weekends.

“Jehosephat!” he exclaimed. The heat was threatening to melt the saffron-colored polyester pants he was wearing to his skin, but this had escaped his notice until just now. 'How can I decide,' he wondered. 'What should the criteria be?' He had to start soon, he only had from ten until noon. Throwing darts had always helped Bill focus in the past, and he took this up now. He threw absentmindedly, almost blindly. Most landed on the board, but one strayed and hit the tattered poster on the back of the door with a thwack!, further securing the American flag on the moon in the photograph.

Bill sighed heavily and brushed sweaty strands from his auburn toupee out of his eyes. Would he favor personality? Desperation? Looks? Talent? (Though for what he did not know.) Maybe even sheer oddness, for that type of thing would probably make the most difference in longevity in the position. Not many lasted long at Neverland Ranch.

It was time to begin, and he called the first applicant in: “Nancy Gorman?”
“Yes, sir! Direct from Niagara Falls.”
“Beautiful. Come on in… So, Nancy, why do you think you would make a good ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’? You know, it is very important for every cast member of our ensemble here at the park to be reliable and enthusiastic.”


Anyone else want to finish this?

The latest

Firstly, that story I told you a couple of days ago about my boss getting kicked out of the police station wasn't true. I didn't lie deliberately, just misinterpreted what someone else said.
Secondly, on Friday I thought I was better, but I wasn't. I am tired of being sick, and I'm hoping to be fully recovered by Wednesday. That's my plan, at least.
Finally, we still don't know what is going to happen with our visa/deportation situation. Some things we've tried have failed, but there are still options we're pursuing. Once we know I will certainly share the news.
For those of you who have emailed, thank you so much for your encouragement. Between being sick and everything else, it's been hard to keep in touch but I really do appreciate your prayers and concern!

Snowboarding

A week ago Friday (in Sarajevo) we went skiing/snowboarding at one of the sites used for the 1984 Olympics. I tried snowboarding since I had done that once before, about 7 or 8 years ago. It was pretty fun, and I really gave it everything I had. The next few days were tough, though, because I quite literally felt like I had been both hit by a train and trampled by wild boars. Seriously, I have never been that sore in my whole life, which is really saying something. But it was worth it, I think.