02 October, 2006

Some Jack Handy Goodness

For some unknown reason, I quite enjoy Jack Handy quotes. Andy sent some to me the other day just out of the kindness of his heart. Here they are:

~Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

~Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he gets a good, lucky feeling.

~Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

~When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmm, boy.

~Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

~The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. but the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

~ When you're going up stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.


alison said...

I think I've been to Pie Heaven. They call it ZOKA. MMMM boy!

Daniel said...

These are hilarious - haven't seen any of these in ages.

Alexis said...

alison: ahhh, Zoka. I love that place. If I lived where you used to live, I would seriously go there every day.

daniel: Yeah, Amanda (Hyre) and I used to send them to each other all the time.

I think our favorite one went something like:

If you drop your keys in a river of molten lava, just forget 'em, because, man, they're gone.

Emily said...

I knew we were soul mates from the moment I met you. This only serves to seal the deal. My personal favorite is, "I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world...." Look it up and think of me.

Alexis said...

"...and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands."

This is beautiful. Thank you. {tear, sniff}

Sunny said...

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

and the finalie!

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.