You will fail this test.

Here are some thoughts I wrote out on Saturday. Warning: this is a bit self-involved and dramatic, more of a journal entry than anything. If you’re not into that kind of thing, consider yourself informed.

I have embarked on a journey, and have started a race. I have entered into a test, one that spans the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional realms. Starting out, it was clear that it would be challenging, even perilous. Undeniably, various mistakes, missteps, and stumbles were expected. But I knew that it was possible to push through the brambles and rough spots and come out victorious and strong in the end.

And I was wrong. 3 months in and 8 to go and I am spent. I wish that someone would have sat me down in the beginning and slowly and sternly stated “You will fail this test.” I would not have believed this or understood it- I still don’t understand it. But maybe if it were repeated again and again and again it would have started to sink in.

There is no possible way that I could have NOT come to this point. And I’m not talking about normal, “small” failures and mistakes- like an unkind word or poor decision. Things like that trip you up and take some clarification, backtracking, or apology, but in general can be repaired or let go of.

What I mean by ‘failure’ is not so much an event, but more of a state. Total, complete, I’ve-fallen-on-my-face-in-the-mud-and-am-having-a-nervous-breakdown style failure. The type of malfunction that is irreparable, inexcusable, seriously noticeable and disastrous. The sort of thing that you can’t explain, ignore, or recover from alone. Some helpful thoughts from the dictionary on the concept of failure are: to be unsuccessful in trying to do something; to be incapable of doing something, or choose not to do something; to fall short of the standard required to pass an examination or course; to stop working, or not perform or grow as expected; to let somebody down by not doing what is expected or needed, or abandon or forsake somebody; to lose strength, loudness, or brightness. Pretty much everything written there describes the state that I am in.

Why was this inevitable? Why must I have failed? And so spectacularly? Because this year isn’t a game I can win. It is only a journey that can be experienced, and I think that coming undone is an essential part of it. It’s not so much about falling down and getting back up as it is about absolutely falling apart and being remade. And I have come undone.

The weekly schedule needs to be revamped. We need to come up with a campus plan or something for this year. My monthly letter is late. I have hurt or offended or pissed off or annoyed every single person on the team at some point in the last week. I haven’t even thought about my Croatian language homework. There are literally hundreds of emails in my inbox to reply to. Taylor, Michelle, and I are sleeping in one bed and the ceiling is leaking. We don’t know how to pay our electric bill. There is a mouse living in our kitchen. There are dozens of students I still need to meet with. The team is exhausted and disconnected and certainly not refreshed. Andy’s birthday is tomorrow and Taylor’s is on Wednesday. Three people are going to Zagreb in the morning, two or three more have to go to Trieste on Monday to get a prescription filled before our tourist visas expire, and the remnant will limp along here.

And Katie died today.

In all of this, the Lord my God is Good and Just and Sovereign and Majestic and Holy and Compassionate and this is truly where hope is found. As Paul says: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
And when I am here in this place, I hear God saying to me:
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Praise Him.