08 August, 2006

Feeling reluctant.

I’ve had kind of a poor attitude recently about going back to Croatia and all. I know that it is the right thing to do for many reasons, and it would be harder in some ways to not be going back. But right now it’s not appealing. Way back in February when I was making the decision, it was clear that there would be some sacrifice involved. I felt it then to some degree, but now it’s much more of a reality.

Going back means saying no to living life with family and friends that are here, being a physically present and involved member at my church, and living in a city/country/culture that I miss and feel at home in. In my mind, I half expect Tim, Sara, Andy, Marni, Pete, and Michelle to be back in Rijeka waiting for me. But they won’t be. It also means that a good part of my time here has been and will continue to be spent re-raising support. This is sometimes fun because my supporters are also my friends, so it’s cool to reconnect with them. But it's also draining, and time is running short.

My mom and grandma have asked me why I don’t just decide not to go back, or why I don’t just come home a few months in if I feel like it. One answer is simply, “I don’t know. That actually sounds very tempting.”

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed those three paragraphs worth of whining because now I get to lay the smack down on myself. Taylor posted these quotes the other day:

“Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life.” Jesus

“The sheer joy of it all comes back. I would gladly do it all over again.” Samuel Zwemer, pioneer missionary to Bahrain. After great family loss because of his choice to be in Bahrain.

“In the pursuit of joy through suffering, we magnify the all-satisfying worth of the Source of our joy… Christ is gain! Oh world, wake up and see, Christ is gain!” John Piper

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot, missionary martyr

“I have never made a sacrifice.” David Livingstone, a pioneer missionary in Africa

My suffering has not been physical or very great. My sacrifices are comparatively small. Even so, for me they have felt significant, and even more so because right now I'm blind to the reason and benefit of it all. Today it's difficult to see the point in going back and it's hard to believe that it will actually matter in any real way. But in and through everything, the Lord is gracious and good and patient with me. And I know that staying on the path in order to follow Him obediently is worth every doubt and hour of darkness and difficult choice, because following Him means living and walking with Him, and I can’t imagine existing without that.

1 comment:

Matt Mikalatos said...

Alexis-- these feelings are so normal and what we all feel sometimes. Hang in there and just keep remembering what God has said to you in the past.