01 March, 2006

Smackdown, or God’s 2x4

Lately I have had a pretty terrible attitude about life, and usually that means that I need a little help from what my friend Ashley and I like to call God’s 2x4. A couple of weeks ago I decided to return to Croatia for another year. There were a lot of things that went into the decision, like prayer, thought, advice, conversations, etc. and I think it is a good thing. But as soon as I decided I got really depressed. Probably because making any definite choice involves saying ‘no’ to some things, and I was thinking about everything that I dearly love that I have to say ‘no’ to in order to come back here.

Then we got to Sarajevo and saw what life was like there, and I watched that movie about the war and thought about what it would be like to live through that. And I thought about how many ugly things there are in this world and how much I want to help fix it, but I can’t, really. And I wondered if I could ever handle living and serving people in a place like Sarajevo during the war, or Iraq, or Rwanda, or Sudan where there is so much need and so little hope. Why is it that half the time I want to do something crazy and heroic and the rest of the time I just want to be completely selfish and read and play and hang out on the beach or in the park surrounded by only my favorite people?

Days, even weeks, have passed with my heart turned partly away from God, afraid of surrender and afraid of rebuke and afraid of sacrifice, just waiting in fear for the expected smackdown. But it never came. Instead, God reminded me that He loves me and that I am foolish and have no idea what I want. He reminded me that He is good and I am bent. That He is always faithful, even when I am too blind to see it. He reminded me that this world isn’t mine to fix, it’s His. And by following Him in all the tiny assignments, I get to participate in what He’s doing. And He will never ask too much or too little of me. He will always only ask me to do what is exactly right. And whatever sacrifice that may involve is always, always worth it.

So even though right now all I want to do is watch lots and lots of movies and ignore the fact that we might get deported* in a couple of weeks, I think I’m in a slightly better place than I was a few days ago.

*Actually, at this point things are looking very hopeful re: our visa situation- nothing is confirmed, but we will probably get to stay. I will let you know when we hear for sure, though.


be said...


just got here by searching via technorati.

amieable said...

I like what you say about understanding that it is not our job to fix EVERYTHING, but that we get put on our assignments that are best suited for us. I also get bogged down in thinking that I could do everything, and I get depressed. But you reminded me that our job is to do the best that we can in our "corner" of the Project.

pete zagorda said...

lexi is cool in my book!